Be Happy

It was Friday night and Mark and I were ready to cut loose after a long week of work. Actually, it was only four days due to Memorial Day, and more specifically for me, it was really only three days due to an event I was attending on Friday, but damn it, we still needed a few drinks.

The night started off in typical fashion, neither of us knew what to do.  There was talk of going downtown but that's always a hassle, and even of some place new, but we both fear change.  Regardless, we always seem to end up at the same karaoke bar by the end of the night anyway, so, it was really just a question of what to do in the meantime.

Mark had some work friends drinking at a bar on Morena Blvd so we went with that idea.  Again, it would only be for a few hours as we were already planning our song selections for later in the night.  The interim destination was so-so; the typical Friday night happy hour folk who were just avoiding going home to their families.  Some guy was playing guitar and trying to sing cover songs.  A dying cat would have been better, and of course our table was right in front of him.  This made it slightly awkward when he wrapped up for the night and no one in our group bothered to tip him.  Oh well, back to flipping burgers for you.

By 10:30 both of us knew it was time to jump ship as the crowd was thinning out and Mark's co-workers were too drunk to stand up.  We called a cab and waited for our friends at Orange Cab to show up.  I love the Orange Cab!

In just a few minutes the cab showed up and the driver laughed out loud when we told him where we were going - basically from one dive bar to the next.  Within minutes we were standing in front of our favorite dive bar, The Last Day.  I particularly like this bar since the owner and several of the cocktail waitresses know me by name and I'm always welcomed with high-fives or hugs.  It's good to be famous even if it's among alcoholics and degenerates.  

Within seconds of walking in we already had our pitcher of beer and a couple of songs in the queue for karaoke.  So far, so good, and the night was proceeding as planned.  

And then, she appeared.

A very tall brunette walked in and sat down at our table without hesitation.  This looked very promising to my boy Mark as I am happily married and he is quite single.  Let the games begin...

This poor girl had no idea what hit her as we started in on her from both sides of the rickety bar table.  What's your name (still have no idea), where ya from (quickly forgot), what do you do (a Marine, yes, I have total recall), why are you at this shit-hole of a bar (ditched her boyfriend for the night), etc.  She probably was so dizzy from the back and forth that she missed the fact that I kept ordering her a fresh drink every 15 minutes.

All in all, she seemed totally normal and was just looking for some fun after having an exhaustive argument with her boyfriend after seeing "Mama Mia" earlier.  She certainly came to the right place.

It didn't take long for both Mark and I to get called to the stage for our individual performances.  I was trying out a little Tom Petty and it didn't go very well.  I thought I could pull off 'Into The Great Wide Open' but I was either too sober or the room was too quiet; either way it was a bust.

When asked if Girl X was going to sing, she politely said that she would be too embarrassed by herself so I took this as an invitation to sing a duet and charged to the podium to request the best icebreaker song known to man. 

Within a few minutes, Girl X and I were called on stage to sing 'Love Shack' by the B-52s which is becoming one of my most favorite karaoke songs, especially with random and unassuming women.  

Now, let me back up a minute here.  I was born in the mid-70s and consider myself a child of the 80's.  I remember such classics as music videos, Michael Jackson's hair catching on fire, Ronald Reagan and best of all, the B-52s.  I sometimes forget that not everyone shares my same memories but if you've been to a wedding in the past 20 years you know 'Love Shack.'  Now, you may not know it word for word but you at least know the tune and can fake it, especially with the words plastered before you on a huge flat-screen TV.

Well, not this girl.  As I was performing like only Fred Schneider knows how, this girl couldn't even get the beat right.  It was as if this was the first time she had ever heard the song.  

"Your what?..."
"Teh muh, musty!?"

God damn it, am I really that old? How does she not know this song?

In order to save face, I had to pull double duty and was now alternating between the Fred and the Kate/Cindy parts.  It wasn't ideal but I pulled it off with grace.

As we sat down, I was getting high fives whereas she was getting looks of disgust.  How could she ruin such a classic song?  How could anyone screw it up that bad? And, worst of all, on my watch?  Such is life - another round of drinks please!

For the next hour or so, Mark and I continued with some of our A material.  Every word that came our of our mouths was hysterical and she thought we were comedic geniuses.  However, she kept checking her phone and of course I knew it was the boyfriend, so I asked to hold her phone for the night so she could enjoy herself.  Amazingly, she said yes and I pocketed her iPhone for the duration.

Drinks, drinks and more drinks, but then things started to turn.

The first sign of disaster was the inevitable, "You guys are gay, right?'"

"No, we're just two dudes that happen to like karaoke dive bars."  That's normal, right?

"That's great, because I think you (me) are really flucking hot!"

No typo, that's just how it sounded - flucking hot.  Not a good sign either.
 
"Thanks, that's sweet but I'm married.  Hey, Mark is single; don't you think he's cute?"

She peered over at Mark with her one sober eye, shrugged her shoulders then grabbed him and proceeded to make out, mouth wide open as if she was going to swallow him whole.  Note: Mark is much smaller than her and this was a real concern at the time.

I smiled as if this was all my doing and enjoyed the Rick James impersonation in the background.

Once Mark came up for air, Mark stood up and headed for the bathroom.  He was probably checking to make sure he still had his tonsils but I can't be sure. Just as Mark stepped away, Girl X took a long look at me and said angrily, "You're not my friend, you just want to f#ck me!"

"I'm sorry, what?"

"You're just like everyone else.  You're only being nice to me so you can f#ck me!"

Houston, yeah, you know what's up.

I tried to reiterate the fact that I was a) happily married, b) at no point in the night alluded to being attracted to her, and c) I certainly didn't say anything nice so I could f#ck her, I was just being nice.  In fact, I threw Mark at her as a good wingman should, so this was all coming from left field.  It didn't matter, this ship was starting to take on water and there wasn't much I could do.

So, rather than trying to play the nice guy and resist the argument, I shot back and said, "Look, I'm trying to enjoy my Friday night with my buddy, and the last thing I'm going to put up with is some girl, who I barely know, accusing me something that I'm not.  So, either be cool or find another table to sit at because I've done nothing to deserve this."

Then, after a couple of bewildered looks and a few long blinks, she started to cry.  It was a couple of tears at first but then more and more came flooding in.  "Nobody likes me.  I have no friends.  Why won't you be my friend?"

Shit, Houston, the O-ring just cracked!

My god, what the hell just happened?  This night went from karaoke fun to a Chuck  E. Cheese nightmare.

Mark came back from the bathroom but i wasn't about to drag us both down so I took this adventure on by myself.  She kept on crying and complaining that she didn't know anyone in town and that she had a son and has already been divorced once and has an asshole of a boyfriend, yada, yada, yada.

Well, I endured for as long as possible, but as soon as she stood up to use use the bathroom, I knew we had to make a move.  As Girl X entered the bathroom and closed the door, Mark and I both stood up, walked briskly to the bar, found the owner and handed the iPhone to her with explicit instructions.  "There's a bat-shit crazy girl in the bathroom right now.  We're getting the hell out of here.  Give this to her if she comes out."

With that we were gone.  And, we didn't just saunter out, we ran like the wind.  Out the door and left on Rosecrans at full speed.  Unfortunately, we've been north on Rosecrans too many times in the past with no success in finding cabs, so we stopped at about 100 yards and crossed the street, then came sprinting back towards Nimitz.  This was of course risky since we would be passing back by the bar, but we are dangerous men.

After stopping for a late night donut at Winchell's, we caught a cab and laughed all the way back to my house.

Ok, so here comes the lesson.  Yes, Girl X had some tough issues but here's the thing; this girl was brave enough to show up alone at a total dive bar, sit down with two complete strangers and strike up a conversation.  Now, either she was looking for a gang bang or she was truly looking to meet new people and find new friends.  I was hoping for the latter, especially living in San Diego where everyone has the same story and is from somewhere other than here.

However, in order to effectively open up to new people, you have to be happy with the person inside you first, and for most, that is a hard thing to do.  Our friend Girl X certainly wasn't happy with herself.  She clearly craved the attention of men in order to prop her self-esteem up for the time being, and the second anyone rejected her, everything came crashing down.  I went from being the cute, funny guy who sang "Love Shack" to just another asshole in a bar.

Life can be hard but in my short tenure I know that everything happens for a reason and experience builds character.  That character should be what makes us stronger and more confident inside.  I've been through good and bad relationships, I've been through a messy divorce, I've been laid off from various positions over the years, I've lost a ton of money on bad financial decisions but guess what, I hold my head high and know that these experiences have led me to where I am today.  I'm successful, healthy, married to a beautiful woman who adores me, I have a wonderful son who still thinks I'm cool, and a have a great network for friends who would do anything for me.  Best of all, I'm totally and completely happy with the man inside of me.

"Everybody's movin', everybody's groovin' baby 
Funky little shack! Funk-y little shack! "

Yes, life can be hard but you only get one pass at it, so be happy.